Self Defence Against Psychic Vampires

It’s a glorious sunny summer Sunday afternoon and you’re lying in the park with an old friend. Fat insects hum through the tall grass all about you, as you talk away the day over cheese, dips and a bottle of wine. All the ingredients of a magic day are there, a day that should be uplifting and energising. So why, when you walk away do you feel so damn drained, so tired, perhaps with the beginnings of a mild headache, maybe almost a little depressed?

An AI generated image in a soft fantasy style showing a woman facing a closed white door. Between the woman and the door stands a black sinister figure with pointed ears and red eyes. It is blocking her way. In the background of the picture is another scene showing the woman walking away through a field of flowers

There have been so many books written about psychic vampires that you may be wondering why this post even exists. Well mostly because I’ve found the methods of defense presented in those erudite tomes to be largely ineffective or in some cases quite impossible. Indeed the most common advice to be found is simply to cut the person out of your life. This demonstrates a profound misunderstanding of the situation. If you've got someone causing you enough problems that you’re scouring books on psychic vampires then the individual in question is almost certainly someone who is deeply connected into your life. So much so that you’d probably need to quit your job or leave the country or disown a family member or abandon a whole set of friends in order to get away.

Contrary to what Hollywood would have you believe, vampires rarely kill their prey. No, victims take time to choose, time to court, and a good one tastes so sublime that the vampire wishes to feast on that sweet delight for as long as possible.

One thing Hollywood does get right though is that they are indeed mesmerising, often beautiful and creative, sometimes even brilliant, and while they feast on your vital essence you gaze on enthralled and powerless.

In their presence you are weak and spellbound. Maddeningly your interactions with them follow the same course over and over again; you feel helpless and drained. So how on earth can you just walk away or cut them out of your life when they need your relationship to stay as it is, for you to stay as you are, unchanged and in chains. It is through this relationship that energy is transferred from you to them.

Of course the whole psychic vampire conceit is a somewhat melodramatic framing of what can equally profitably be thought of as unconscious unidirectional power dynamics which characterise a certain class of emotionally unhealthy and unproductive relationships, but what’s life without a bit of drama eh?

Anyway, without too much further ado, I present below for your elucidation and use, a most efficacious spell of my own devising. With elegant simplicity (and sufficient theatre) it is designed to allow you to move past that stuck, draining relationship with that certain friend, that family member, that work colleague.

Importantly, there is no binding, no restraint, no curse, no harm caused to them. You simply redirect their attention, open a door, and step into a new chapter of your life.

Once performed with honest intent and appropriate flair it will take three cycles of the moon for the full effect of the spell to be achieved.

You will need…


Dress in normal clothes you would wear for a walk. You should have shoes on as well as weather appropriate outer garments. You need to step out through the door and walk away as part of the spell so be dressed to just go.

Affix the photo to the inside of the door, above the knob at your eye-height

While standing facing the door from the inside, lock it and place the key along with the mirror and the scissors behind you but within reach. You may need to have a small table or stool handy for these objects.


Dressed for your walk you stand inside, facing the closed and locked door which opens externally. Behind you within reach of your dominant hand but out of your eye line are the scissors, the ribbon, and the key to the door.

The photo of your vampire is attached to the door at eye height above the knob.

Tie the ribbon to the door knob and then around the wrist of your non-dominant hand. This arm is then pulled back so that the ribbon is taut.

With your dominant hand grasp the door knob and push and pull on it (it doesn’t matter if the door opens out or in).

Rattle the door knob and keep pushing on the locked door, all the while using a magical gaze to stare at the photo. As you do this allow the frustration to build within you. Perhaps thinking, Get out of my way, let me past as you get more and more annoyed, staring at their image the whole time.

During this stage you may momentarily feel foolish. What the heck am I doing here? This is crazy stuff. Well what harm is there in what you are doing? None. What good may come of it? Much. So if such thoughts or feelings do arise, channel that same energy into your feelings of frustration. After all this is how those psychic vampires work; they make you doubt that you can ever escape!

When the frustration has built sufficiently and the moment feels right, exhale deeply and remove your dominant hand from the door knob.

Reach for the mirror and pass it to your bound hand, reflective side facing towards the door, all the while keeping the ribbon taut.

Now bring the mirror so that it is between you and the photo, reflective surface facing the picture. You should not be able to see their image anymore, merely the back of your hand.

Now using your dominant hand take the scissors and snip the ribbon, leaving one half tied to the knob and the other to your wrist.

Press the mirror onto the photo and hold it there while you return the scissors and retrieve the key with your other hand.

Unlock the door, and keeping the photo covered with the mirror the whole time, step out (ideally into the sunshine). Lock the door behind you, put the mirror by the door or in your pocket and go for a walk – away from your house – the longer the better – walk to the tree and tie the ribbon from your wrist to a branch. Thank the tree and walk back home.

Back at home, maneuvering carefully you should cover the photo with the mirror as you go back inside. Do not look at the photo, but use your fingers to ascertain where it is from the outside so you can cover it with the mirror.

Once inside carefully remove the photo from the door, keeping it covered with the mirror as you do so. Without looking at the photo fold it in half and place it in the envelope.

Next remove the ribbon from the door knob and place it in the envelope with the ribbon.

Sprinkle the mirror with salt and wash it under cold running water.

What to do with the envelope?

Do not burn it. Do not discard it at crossroads. Do not chuck it in the bin.

If you can get it into the vampire’s home or their place of work and leave it somewhere out of sight where it will not be found for a long time that is ideal. If this is not possible you could post it to them, but addressed with a fictitious name and of course with no return address. If this feels too risky or might arouse too much suspicion, consider addressing it to Santa c/o the North Pole and popping it in the next post box you pass.

Note the phase of the moon and observe how your relationship with the person changes over the moon’s next three returns through this same phase.

#magic #spells #vampires